"We all have to die of something." I've morbidly had occasion to mention to my family more than once over the years. It's not that I have some dreary Woody Allenesque fascination with death so much as that I want to pass on to the kids that death is nothing to be feared, but rather a very natural part of life that comes to all of us in one way or another.
Perhaps not surprisingly, death has been on my mind a bit more than usual of late. As I sit at the keyboard to write this article I've just come from the funeral home yet again. I happened by a parishioner at the parlor as he was waiting to pay his respects to the family of the deceased. He said, "Gosh, another death; I can't remember so many deaths in such a short period of time." I can't either. During the past five weeks ten parishioners have died. I've been privileged to be with many of them just prior to their death and with virtually all of their families shortly thereafter. Those are sacred moments that I always feel honored to be part of in some small way.
Over the years and through many deaths I've been given the opportunity to learn some important lessons that I'd like to pass on in this article.
The first thing 1'd like to say is that life is wonderful, and each day's experiences are to be relished. Death is also a profound experience of life that will not and ought not to be missed for the opportunities that it provides. It's something to be taken advantage of.
Death can offer a most wonderful gift to those who are left behind. Every death provides the most powerful way that I can imagine for one generation to move on to the next. That opportunity can be used one way or another by the loved ones left behind.
People don't always make good use of the opportunities that death provides. I've seen families unnecessarily pick fights over the most unnecessary things after a loved one dies. The more cynical side of me wonders if if s not, at root, about getting more material things that inspires folks to pick fights with their siblings when the last parent dies. I've seen that happen three times during the past year or so. I've watched children of deceased persons pick fights with cach other over trite matters such as who sits in what cars on the way to the cemetery, though I really think it's about who gcts to keep what house in the end. Let me just put it out there that what we get from our loved ones, materially, is far less important than what we get from them emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. In fact I'm almost sure that the less people feel they got from their loved ones emotionally the more they want to make up for it materially in the end so that they can feel thst they got something of value. But it's not worth it if in the process ongoing relations are jeopardized for generations.
There can be a blessing to the way people die. Ordinarily there is little pain and suffering for the person who dies suddenly. And for the person who dies more gradually, less unexpectedly, there is more opportunity to prepare as well as for friends and loved ones to have final time together before the death. In any case, it is always better to emphasize the positive aspect of the way death comes if it is at all possible.
Last week several adult sisters - the daughters of a well beloved and well-aged mother - spoke of how their vigil with their dying mother over a period of five days brought them and their own young adult daughters together in ways that were deeper than ever. I've seen that happen over and over again, and it doesn't simply happen while someone gradually dies. It can happen in the case of sudden death, as well, depending upon how the family chooses to take advantage of the time of preparation for the funeral and other farewell festivities. That's right, I said farewell festivities, and I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful because it certainly isn't intended as such. After all, if we Christians actually believe that the deceased has gone on to be with God and a more expansive life, well, then the person is going on and will be better off for it. In that sense the ceremonies and gatherings we plan for them are really farewell festivities - where we send them off on their way with our love and our prayers.
When someone is dying gradually it is very important for their loved ones and close friends to gather around them to spend time with them and each other. It's great when the person is conscious and it's great when the person seems not to be (because I believe that the "unconscious person" is aware of the people around him). One great gift that this provides is time with the one, who's dying - to share love and to touch, hold and caress. I loved watching a couple of grandchildren lying on the hospital bed with their unconscious grandparent - chatting sometimes to visitors and sometimes to their unconscious loved one. This forges the deepest bonds of mutually loving community, and is the final gift the dying person can give to his/her loved ones left behind.
When someone dies suddenly or has already died it is also quite possible to share the same sorts of time together. It can be done after the members of the family gather and before meeting with the funeral director. It's more important to have time together than to rush headlong into the funeral parlor. Time must be spent together talking about the person who has died - laughing and crying - sharing memories and feelings. Helpful in this process is bringing out the photo albums and making pictorial collages of the person's life all the while talking about the events those photos capiured. A word to my brethren, though. Men tend to be somewhat squeamish when it comes to being with dying loved ones or sharing powerful feelings of love or sadness with others. Yet such times enrich far more than discomfort if only we can overcome our anxieties.
When we do hang in with our loved ones to do the hard, bittersweet work of sharing those times and memories - those tears and laughter together - the real legacy of our deceased loved ones is received. That legacy is the forged bond of common love through shared grief that our loved ones can only bestow upon as when they die so that we can live on with enriched relationships with the community of loved ones left behind.
So celebrate life and celebrate the lives of the ones who move on to be with God. Celebrate them by drawing, closer to the others that they loved too because that's what they'd ultimately want. You see it's not so much a matter of what hymns,readings or language the deceased might like, it's how the ones they loved and left behind draw together and move through their grief in greater closeness that they care about far more.
Affectionately in Christ,
Phil +