So today I had my weekly check-up with the Indicorps staff. Because Dharmesh was out of station, I ended up talking to Lakshmi. When I began speaking to her I found that I was spilling out all of my frustrations about my project and my doubts, despite the fact that I wasn't feeling so frustrated in general. Before the phone call life was normal, I had got ready and prepared quickly and was ready to go to Ranvahi to visit the villagers. But when I talked to her, something broke inside of me and I felt so frustrated. I relayed to her all of my frustrations about not being able to meet with the villagers, to do PRA, to even know where to go with my project, about my frustration with not finishing the survey, lack of communication, impossibility of finding the right time to meet with the people because they were always busy, always feeling restless and not sure of what I should be doing next during the day time. She listened to patiently to all I had to say and then recommended that I make to do lists each day and prioritize what I want to get done that day. Her recommendation was welcomed because it made sense. But then I told her my plans for going on vacation to Bangalore and then visiting Anna Berman in Delhi, and then I started anxiously fretting over whether they would make a fuss about me taking too many vacation days. This 10 day limit is really getting to me, and every vacation day is precious now to me, so I am trying to make the most of my time away. For this reason I have been worrying a bit incessantly about how I will communicate my trips to them, about how I will squeeze in travel time, etc. etc. So after I finished talking to her I lay down on my bed a bit anxious and frustrated and fell asleep. I woke up at 12:30 mad at myself for wasting the day and ran downstairs to find Naresh about to leave for Ranvahi. I quickly got ready, grabbed some lunch in a tiffin, and jumped on the scooter with him. Off we went to Ranvahi.

The whole way to Ranvahi I was wrestling with my frustration. I still did not have a clear plan of exactly what I was to do there. The day before I had attempted to meet with the boys but they were all dispersed in different places. I told them to promise me that if I came back today that they would show up and meet with me, and they did. But they always say yes, to please me, but ultimately they'll go and do their own thing when they want to with little care for appointments or schedules. So I had a feeling that when I got there, no one would be there. Luckily the ride to Ranvahi is a long one, giving me ample time to wrestle myself and my frustrations and to remotivate myself about why I am here and what I can do there. When we got to Danegao we found that again today there was a huge fair going on with games for the children, as there has been this whole week. All of the little kids were on the maidan and ran out to greet me. Suresh bau was also there and he warmly smiled and talked to me. Then I found Tukesh there and asked if he would help me to gather the boys. He agreed and we went to Ranvahi with Naresh to finish some NGO business, and then we went to Malewada, the nearby town where some of the boys were purportedly hanging out. They don't seem to have much work to do these days because the rice harvesting season is finishing and they are about to plant their next crop, which I still don't really know what it is. Anyways, when we got to Malewada Tukesh wanted to drop off a jacket at his brother-in-law's house, so we rented a cycle (2 Rs. An hour) and I jumped on the back and we rode to the next town, Jaysingh Tola, which is about 2 kms. away. Tukesh did his business, we rode back and met Naresh, and then we headed back to Danegao. The entire time I was anxious about what I was going to get done with the boys today. When we got to Danegao, we went to the field to see the kids playing, and found that most of the older boys were also gathered there. I had the idea of taking them back to Ranvahi, which is about 2 kms. away, but they weren't really interested in that, so instead we walked into Danegao and went to Ravi's house for a short meeting, after a while of convincing them that I had a cool plan for the day.

My plan for the day was to discuss the upcoming village survey and find out if they would be interested in conducting it, as well as to teach them a leadership game: the human knot. So we sat down and I welcomed them to our first meeting, we clapped hands together, and then I attempted again to explain to them my project. I think they always half understand everything I'm saying and look at me curiously the rest of the time. I try and be eager and enthusiastic because I realize that so much of communication here goes beyond verbal language and my limits to effective rapport-building do not lie within the parameters of my spoken language skills. I can be quite effective using body language, attitude, and persistence. Then I explained to them about the survey and how we were going to do it, but because I perceived them to be quickly losing interest, I changed activities to the human knot.

We must have started the human knot four or five times, and each time they would let go of their hands before even understanding what they were supposed to be doing. They thought the trick was in how they arranged the ordering of their hands in the beginning of the game, rather than in how they went about trying to untangle their bodies. Finally I convinced them to hang on to eachother and not to give up and the last time we struggled for a while before getting almost all the way out of the knot. We ended up in a figure eight formation that seemed like it was two interlocking circles, so I thought it best to stop right there and attempt a discussion. In the meanwhile a commotion was ensuing at Ravi's house because they had discovered that one of their goats had been decapitated in the backyard while our game was going on. They suspected a dog came and killed it, but it was a strange sight to behold, because the head was cut cleanly off. I don't know if a dog could have done that or if there was some foul play involved. What I do know is that each one of these animals is a valuable asset to these families, so to lose an adult goat is no small thing. The family members seemed pretty upset, all except for Ravi, who is warm and even-tempered all of the time. I really like him and he has shown a lot of interest in doing PRA's in his village of Danegao. I promised him I would, and I will make an effort to spend more time in this village on my trips to Ranvahi.

We sat down and tried to discuss the human knot despite the goat murder, but then another distraction arrived: the Ranvahi kids were about to start their Kabbadi match with another village. The older boys wanted to go and watch, because this was a big deal. Ranvahi had already won their first Kabbadi match today and here was there chance to prove themselves again. At first I was frustrated at this apparent blow to my big plans for our group activities. Most of the boys left, but two or three stayed back and we continued talking about the survey. Ultimately they too wanted to go, so I convened the meeting early and we headed back to the field.

When we got there the Kabbadi match was in full force. Unlike the day before's match, this one was much more intense. There was a huge crowd gathered around cheering on their village kids, and the kids were so intensely focused on the game. It was an awesome sight to behold. All of my little Ranvahi children who I had been teaching Frisbee and playing kids games with, were now proving their mettle in this intense sport of Kabbadi. Kabbadi is such a fun game. It involves so much teamwork, concentration and technique. The little kids from Ranvahi were excellent! They were thrashing the other village. And some of the littlest kids were so cute to watch as they would run to the other side only to get pounced on by the opposing team. My favorite part of the entire event though was watching the older boys cheer on their little brothers. They were so into the match and so supportive of the little kids. For the first time I felt so connected to them because I could for once relate to how they were feeling- their excitement and pride in their little boys for performing so well. I felt so wonderful to be standing beside them and cheering and wildly clapping and laughing at the little kids acting so big and brave in front of all of the adults. It was a truly special moment in all my Ranvahi experience. I hope to go back and interact with them with this new understanding and connection to the boys. However right then my shuttle came blistering down the road and I ran to catch a ride back to Kurkheda.

On the long ride back to Ranvahi I again thought to myself about the range of emotions I had experienced that day. I went from contentment and anticipation, to frustration, dejection, and self-doubt. Then I experienced exhilaration and joy with the boys at the match. And I realized right then that what Anand had told us about the importance of observations and not conclusions was entirely applicable. Anand told us during the Indicorps orientation that we should make observations about life here, not conclusions. Because our observations are not the final say and are always subject to change. In the same way our emotional state at a given point should also be observed, but not prognosticated. Often I get frustrated nowadays with my project, with myself and my capacity for this type of work. Sometimes I think that things will not get better and are going to continue to suck. It is during those times that it is most crucial to remember that these are merely "observations" or temporary emotional states and I shouldn't expect them to continue on into the future. There's one more thing I learned from this experience today in Ranvahi, and that is the importance of just showing up. I wasn't sure if I should even go to Ranvahi because I didn't know what I wanted to do for sure and I didn't think that I would accomplish anything. However, after going, I realized that it is much more important to just show up and be present, because then something will happen.